Confession
by Inanis Incedeco
Summary: He has something to say, something that hurts and has caused him so much pain over the years. But how will Josephine react?


_Author's Note: So, I already wrote a fic that dealt with this exact subject once already (Titled By My Side, for anyone curious), but I had a very bad experience with people not accepting my asexuality today, and felt the need to deal with it again. Besides, my writing skills have improved a lot since then, and there's a lot of ways I felt that story could have been bettered. Hope you enjoy, and hope that it's better than before._

* * *

Cantis was terrified. He had faced down demons, dragons, been through the Fade itself to fight the first Darkspawn ever created. But this terrified him more than any of those.

He was in bed with Josephine, sitting at the foot of it and kissing her intently, knowing soon where this would end.

Normally, people in his situation were scared because they were worried not about the sex that followed by itself, but rather of their own performance: whether or not they would make their partner happy, if their partner considered this a one time thing or would stay with them.

But not him. He was scared of the act itself, more so out of the want to avoid it then out of some education that it was wrong. He loved Josephine, more than anything, but he had never felt any sort of sexual attraction to her. Not just her, but to anyone, at all, in his lifetime. He had loved his former husband, and only ever allowed him to have sex because Cantis was terrified of what would happen if they didn't.

Right now, all he could think about was all of the times he had submitted himself to have sex with another person, all the times he had slipped away afterwards to shower himself in his shame. Of the humiliation and repulsion he had felt so many times.

But he couldn't say anything, could he? Josephine wasn't like him. If he said something, his relationship with her would end in tatters, that what he wanted from her was surely unreasonable for someone not like him.

In spite of his resolve to keep quiet, perhaps for the rest of his life, some small thing in him knew that couldn't happen. It let out a fretful, pathetic little whimper, and she pulled back, looking concerned.

"Amore?" She asked, a note of concern in her voice as her eyes scanned his. "What's wrong? What did I do?"

 _Shit_.

"Nothing." He tried to shake it off, forcing a smile. "Just… nervous, is all." He couldn't let her know, couldn't give any indication that something was wrong. Couldn't risk losing her as a romantic partner, or even as a friend.

She narrowed her eyes, searching his eyes for the real reason. Damnation. She was so smart and intelligent, able to read people in an instant. An excellent trait for a diplomat, but a terrible one at the moment.

Cantis sighed, defeated, and decided to share the truth. He wasn't a good liar, preferring an honest and upfront relationship when compared to one with deceit and shadows.

"It's just..." He began to shake, the realization of what was happening setting in. This was it. He had to say it now, he was too far gone, but how would she react? What if she didn't believe him? What if she took it as an insult?

He couldn't say it.

Cantis stammered a moment, and then broke down sobbing, pulling her close and not letting go as he cried into her dress. Maker's breath, but he loved her so much. She meant the world to him, meant a new chance at life, and at love. She was a new beginning. He couldn't lose her, as clearly evidenced by his willingness to duel for her hand and tackle a guild of assassin's for her life.

"Amore?" Josephine gasped, returning his embrace. Whatever could have come over him? Whatever it was, it was obviously important to him to have distressed him so completely. "What's wrong?"

"I… I..." He stammered, pulling himself together and pulling back a little, meeting her concerned gaze. He had to say it, but… how? "I have something to tell you, Josie. Something that… hurts, a lot, but something you have a right to hear. Can… can I tell you?" His voice was pained, and it hurt Josephine's heart to hear it like that.

"Of course." She laid her hands on his, steadying them from shaking. "You can tell me anything, love."

"I..." He took a deep, heavy breath. "I don't want to have sex, Josie."

Josephine tiled her head to the side a little, looking at him inquisitively. "What do you mean?" She looked down to see the body she hated, the flared thighs and thick skin. "Is… is it me?"

"No, no, no." He insisted, putting a loving hand on her cheek so that she would look up at him once more. "Josephine, I love you, and you're are one of the most beautiful people to have ever lived. It's just… I..." He rubbed his neck uncomfortably, trying desperately how to explain this. "I've never… felt… felt that way about anyone, not just you. Never… never wanted to have sex in my life."

"Really?" She asked, and Cantis nodded, holding his breath as he silently hoped with everything that he had that she wouldn't end this over it. "But… you've been married, had a child."

He couldn't help but smile a little. He had married another man, Liam, a long time ago, and had a daughter named Abigail. "Adopted a child, Josie. We were both men, you know." She blushed and nodded. "And we… we did it often, it's true, but I… I never told him this. I was… so, so scared he would leave me over it, would consider me so strange that he couldn't stay with me any longer."

Oh Maker. So that's what he was so worried about. Josephine gave a reassuring smile and laid a hand on his cheek. "Amore, that doesn't matter to me. I love you, and that's not going to change." She leaned in and gave him a gentle, sweet kiss. "I was only doing this because… well, it felt like the place our relationship was headed. If you don't want to, we don't have to."

"Josie, I know you're not like me." He shook his head. "We can, if you want to. I... can deal with this. It's just… I guess you deserved to know."

"No." Josephine shook her head, putting a hand on either of his shoulders and meeting him with a very serious gaze. "Listen to me. I can see just how much this matters to you, just how deep this hurts you. So I want you to hear me: it doesn't matter to me. It really doesn't. Do you know what does matter to me?" He raised an eyebrow, but kept silent. "You do. Your health and wellbeing do. Because you are my best friend, and I love you. You are… one of the smartest, kindest, silliest people I have ever met. And I am _not_ going to let you suffer in silence for my benefit." She kissed him again, if only for a moment, and then he broke down crying once more, but this time out of relief and love.

"Josephine." He smiled, holding her close. "I… love you. So much."

"I love you too, and that's all that matters." She smiled, and then looked to the window, where moonlight was now shining in. "I… suppose that if I'm not to stay, I should be off soon."

"Don't go." He whispered, taking her by the hand and meeting her eyes, those beautiful dark eyes that smiled happily at him. "Stay here, with me. We don't need to… do anything, to have fun."

Josephine smiled, and embraced him with a heart full of love.


End file.
